How discovering I was trans* made me realize I wasn't straight


When I discovered I was genderqueer, I started making a big deal when people asked me if I was a girl or a boy (I still do). I complained about why it was so important to know someone's biological sex or gender. I wished people would base their opinions on me because of my personality and not because I was raised as a female-bodied person. If the love of my life, who I think is a guy, turned out to be a girl, I'm sure I'd still love her. So why does it matter? I was expecting other people to think this way, but I myself didn't follow my advice. I realised this and started ignoring gender as much as I could. Then I figured that it’s not about being gender-blind, but to accept all genders and not judge people on that. And that’s why I became to feel attraction to people independently of their gender. So I guess I’m pansexual, then.

Photo of the week

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen

It must have been hard to be trans* in the old times. Now at least people don't say anything about the fact that biological girls wear pants or that boys have long hair (usually), but before everything was so much more strict. The other day I re-watched Jane Austen and similar series I have at home and realized how I would have to be if I had lived in those times. As in, something like this:

      Ok, maybe not that posh...

I don’t know how I could stand being so useless and feeling so girly; not being able to run around and roll in the mud with my cousin, every time I stand up from the table, all the guys would have to stand up too. I’d actually have to brush my hair into some bun at the back where all the curls come out (I seriously don’t know how they do that).

I’d take a long time to get dressed in the morning and I’d have to look after my manners all day. Not that I’m rude or anything, but the ladies those days were excessively polite.

On the good side though, I do love the dresses, just not for myself, so it would be ‘wow’ to see everyone dressed like that on a daily life. Sigh, who can resist such pretty faces in such nice clothes?

And the suits? I also love horse-riding and hunting clothes, and there seems to be a lot of that in the movies…

                                       The cool clothes ---->

The stone from the garden facing a rocky road

"A good-sized stone, that was glistening, washed by the rain, was in a high place, surrounded by colorful flowers, on the edge of a garden facing a rocky road. After looking for a long time at the stones of the rocky road, it felt a desire to let itself drop between them.
"What am I doing here, among the plants?" it asked. "I should be down there with my classmates"
So it rolled to the bottom of the embankment and joined the others. But the wheels of the carts, the hooves of the horses and the feet of the children running about soon reduced it to state of constant sorrow. All passed over it or hit it. Sometimes, when it was full of mud or animal droppings, it looked up a little - in vain - to the place it had left: the place of solitude and placid happiness.
That is what happens to anyone who decides to leave solitary and contemplative life, just to join people of infinite perversity."
Códice Atlanticus, Leonardo da Vinci


Dani Shay

Dani Shay singing "Girl or Boy"

My NanoWrimo story

I’ll be participating in NanoWrimo this year (National Novel Writing Month. Here’s the website: http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/dashboard). I’ve got a few really cool ideas that I picked up in class. The teacher talks so much that I kind of zoom off and when I come back I hear some really weird sentences that I write down. Anyway, I’m saying this because the world where my story takes place has no gender or gender roles.
I don’t know how I’ll describe it when it comes to writing the story though. Gender and sex aren’t important and everyone uses the neutral pronouns (zee). Actually, it's totally ignored; there is only one bathroom (not 'female' and 'male'), everyone dresses how they want (guys in skirts without being laughed at, for example). You can hardly tell the difference between boys and girls. Everyone wears make-up, tight clothes, long or short hair... the only time when they difference male and female is in the Olympics (because the bodies aren't the same and boys would have a clear advantage). Then someone from the past (our present) suddenly appeared and said to someone walking past: "Are you a girl or a boy?", and zee was like "What are you talking about?". I couldn't help but remember Dani Shay singing 'girl or boy' (I’ll put that video on here). I'd love the world to be like that. It's my idea of a perfect planet.

My gay day

Now that I've started noticing things related to queers, I can note a few that happened to me/I saw, related to the LGBT:
·        The first was in class. I saw that someone had written "gay" on my table, with an arrow pointing towards me. Many people do that as an 'insult' or to somehow offend each other. If only they knew how true it is...
·        The second is that I saw two girls holding hands during recess. Lesbians, maybe? And I suspect of two guys that might be gay (not going out together, though).
·        The third is that I’m reading the Lord of the Rings and the word “queer” comes out in almost every paragraph.
·        Another; I have a new Spanish teacher and she is really bad at memorizing names. She called a guy who has a similar name, Alexis. Imagine who that reminded me of…
·        Two more girls holding hands. These were for sure lesbians.
·        I know more about transsexuals than my mum, who doesn’t even know the correct definition. She thinks I don’t know what the term means…
·        We’re studying homogenic and heterogenic mixes in class.
·        The school psychologist who gave me classes last year suspects I might be bian or trans*
·        But another of my teachers is homophobic.
And that's the extent of my day.

When I came out

I came out to my parents once. I wrote one of those typical coming out letters and gave it to them. The thing is, there were two big problems, both my fault, of course. One was that I had decided to come out to them just three hours before and I still didn't know what I identified as or my gender or anything. I hardly knew what transgender was. The second was that I didn't make i clear enough. They thought it was just a story and had nothing to do with me. I guess that kind of clears up the first mistake, anyway. Next time I have to come out, I will think it over properly and go straight to the point.
While we're at it, I might as well leave you my letter so we can all laugh at it together:

"I am a girl with a boy inside me. Today I realised that. I always wondered how I got to create a character from scratch and make it come to life as if nothing. When I have problems I always turn to him, not to any 'real' people and he is one out of the six most important people to me. I thought that I must have some serious problem, having an ‘invisible’ friend at my age. But anyway, I am a writer, so it's more or less normal for writers to talk to their characters (right?).
But today I discovered he is not a character! Sometimes, instead of using the pronoun ‘I’, I use ‘we’ accidently. It was him escaping from the jail inside, where he was locked up unintentionally and shouting out to me that he actually exists. Most people would have said they are a boy inside a girl, but I am a girl with a boy inside. The difference here is that my mind is controlled by the girl me, not the boy me. I have always been a girl but a few years ago I didn’t really feel right. But I am friends with my inner me. I suppose during my creation, whoever sorts out souls and bodies accidently put a guy and a girl together. After all, there are a lot of people in the world and someone has to come out "wrong". Or maybe we are twins but during pregnancy we separated and then magically went back together again! Who knows... But the important thing is we get along together. The 'inner me', the boy, is called Peter. I've loved that name ever since we were born! (Lie: only since two years ago). The 'outer me' has another name that I am not going to tell you because everyone calls me by that name and it’s a secret to anyone on the internet.
From now on I will let Peter free. He can take over my mind whenever he wants. I will sometimes talk as ‘we’ and ‘us’ (not at school because it’s a pain to explain all this to them. They probably wouldn’t understand anyway) and we will make the decisions together. I am ashamed of not realising earlier and having kept him locked up inside and from now onward I’m looking forward to a life with my twin"

Gay McDonald's ad in France


I love this ad. They've said similar things to me and I can't help but smiling...

Websites that may interest you

The other day I posted some websites on the side bar that might interest queers. Here’s a bit of what you’ll find in each of them:
AVEN: Stands for “Asexual visibility and education network”. The title says it all, really. A forum where asexuals can talk freely. I like this web because people are nice. It’s rare to find a forum without people insulting each other or negative comments, but this one is totally clean. No inappropriate content either. Though I’m not asexual, I like reading the comments in the gender section.
Genderfork: One of my favourite webs. Though there isn't much new content, what there is there is really good. You don't even have to register to be able to participate. Anyway, it's about the LGBT in general, mainly the T, though.
TransYada: Another forum, this time for people who's gender identity doesn't belong in the binary.
GenderInX: Haven’t actually been there. It’s a forum though.

Sinfest: A webcomic that confronts topics such as gender, feminism or friendship, all in a cool way. I kind of disliked feminists until I read it. The only bad point is that the religious are represented as some kind of evil force against queers, and I don’t find that true. Of course some are, but not all. I’m not religious myself but I respect them.
Lesbicanarias: A website, in Spanish, from lesbians to lesbians. Talks pretty much about anything and everything there is to know about the bian world.
If you have any others, please tell me and I'll add them to the list.

Transsexual idol

When I started high school I met a girl. She passed as a guy perfectly well. They had to try hard to convince me that she was actually biologically female. Good at sports, good at drawing, funny and good-looking; she was perfect. I made her made idol for the year she was there and then she magically disappeared. I tried to find her on facebook, but she wasn’t there. I couldn’t find any photos, either. After some long research I found out that “she” is actually a he and is now on T (rymes).
I wish I could see him again sometime. At least now we'd have something to talk about and I'd no longer run around behind him like some kind of fangirl with sparkly eyes (right?).

The closet is dark and cold

I often hear them say: "The closet is dark and cold". But is it? I think that if you have no reason to come out and you feel comfortable with yourself, then the closet isn't that bad. If you have enough food, some way you can go to the toilet and enough manga to survive a lifetime, then I don't see what's bad about it. First of all, you can watch movies that have LGBT content or characters with your family/friends without feeling uncomfortable (because they don't know). Otherwise, your parents might think "my daughter is bian so she has a lot in common with this character", when really the only thing that is similar is that you both like girls. Another advantage is that homophobes don't have anything against you, your grandma doesn't think that the modern society and it's ways have swallowed you and somehow made you gay and no one cuts you out of their will or kicks you out of the house. Maybe even note that people of your same sex don't feel uncomfortable when you’re in the same changing room because you 'might fall in love with them'. Because we tend to love every girl we see just because they are a girl. You can also hear people's sincere opinions about queers without them saying "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you" at every comment. Anyway, the main point is that so far I have no need to come out. The closet is dark and cold only if you don't find a blanket and a light.

Photo of the week


I don't really have much bathroom issues at the moment because I couldn't really swap bathrooms at school and I don't usually use other public bathrooms. I guess one day I will, though.

How i figured out i was transgender

The first thing I ever knew about gender identity and such was when I found out that people could get a sex change. Disgusting, weird, silly, useless... were a few of my first reactions. Little did I know that in the future I'd be considering top surgery myself. Anyway, I had that opinion for many years, until I "met" Alexis, from Ugly Betty.


She became one of my favorite characters (along with Mark and Justin... I was destinied to belong in the LGBT) and from then on I didn't think it was that weird.
In class we studied feminism and gender, and the difference between sex and gender came out. During the class, I thought; "I could be a guy, then". I continued with my life without much more thought on that matter, but then I got addicted to Y!A (urgh...) and bumped into the LGBT section. I decided to look up on wikipedia the definition of LGBT and, when I realised, I knew a lot of terms and definitions related to that community (I love LGBT terms...). Once I discovered "genderqueer", I knew it had something to do with me.
When playing the 'girls vs boys' games at school I never knew what side I felt most comfortable with. That led me to sit in a corner alone and wish for people just to be people, and not girls or boys. I felt ashamed when I wished I could wear a suit to a wedding, but even more when I wished I could wear a dress. Why not a mix? Why not both? Why not wear the suit for half the time and then a dress for the rest? After two months of thinking about my gender, I arrived to the conclusion that I was/am moving between male, female and other genders, depending on my mood, situation or simply the day of the week.

Introduction time!

Hello. You can call me Peter. This is yet another blog about a trans* person's life. Just so you know, I identify as genderqueer, more specifically trigender.
Anyway, since I am probably the worst person at describing myself, I’ll just fill in one of those ‘basic information’ forms that are so cool.
- Sexual orientation: pansexual
- What I’m really bad at: Nothing! >:D
- A description of my self-esteem: Too high.
- Who my best friends are: Meh… I don’t really have any best friends. I don’t want any either.
- My favourite book: Harry Potter?
- My favourite animal: Seals! Then dolphins!
- Someone I miss: Nobody (my gransparents)
- What I did yesterday: I read (1Q84, by Murakami Haruki), then I went on my bike, I took some photos, I had my turn on the internet, I did my philosophy homework (no, I don’t study philosophy). I also ate a lot.
- My 5 favourite songs right now: ‘I’m reading a book’ by Julian Smith, ‘We are never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever getting back together’ by Taylor Swift, ‘Sunshine and Rain’ by The Icarus Account, ‘Happens in the dark’ by Jedward and ‘Rubber bands’ by Phineas and Ferb.
- All of the pets I’ve ever had: I had lots of goldfish (only one had a name though; Jack Sparrow) and a cat called Kitty. I had a budgy too, once.
- Favourite flavour of ice cream: Mint
 - What are my future plans? : I’m going to be rich…
-  An internal conflict I have with myself: I’m pretty much conflict-free.
- What I would do if I won the lottery: buy an underwater camera and a human-sized doll. And give some to charity.
- A description of the boy or girl I like: I’ve never been in love before
- What bands I’ve seen live: None. Too much people, too much noise.
- How many kids I want in the future: 51
- Most traumatic experience: Once they made me mow the lawn.
And, yeah. That's pretty much it. Anything you want to know just ask! :)